The 2016 election is a lot like a wedding. The ceremony went on far too long, you are not really a fan of the groom or the bride, and all the guests wish they were drunk already. The only thing stopping you from leaving is the promise of a crazy reception afterwards. Creamy vanilla cake, catching a bouquet of pink peonies, watching Grandma Erna down her fourth fruity cocktail, and most importantly, dancing to some of the worst songs the human race has ever composed.
By Natalie Heineman
Illustrations by Kaci Lambeth
With so many similarities between the election and a wedding, we could not help but wonder: what if politicians were overplayed wedding reception songs?
Hillary Clinton
“Roar” by Katy Perry
Your aunt flounced up to the DJ booth and requested “that fun Katy Perry song,” in reference to “Firework.” But “Roar” came on instead and everyone begrudgingly accepted it.
Donald Trump
“All Summer Long” by Kid Rock
Not only do Trump and Kid Rock share the same fanbase, but they also both borrow from past influences. “All Summer Long” samples “Sweet Home Alabama,” while Trump’s campaign slogan “Make America Great Again” copies Ronald Reagan’s slogan “Let’s Make America Great Again.” Originality is not what they are best known for, but it obviously works for them.
Tim Kaine
“I’m So Excited” by Pointer Sisters
Kaine is just happy to be there as moral support. #cooldad
Mike Pence
“Friends in Low Places” by Garth Brooks
Brooks croons out the melancholy lyrics, “I guess I was wrong/I just don’t belong,” after he crashes a party uninvited. Pence crashed Trump’s solo party and has accepted his fate as a background player.
Elizabeth Warren
“Brick House” by The Commodores
Warren is a brick house because of her steadfast fight against Wall Street. Watch Warren take down Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf (who is accused of charging customers exorbitant fees and creating fake accounts in their names) during a Senate hearing and try to tell us she is anything less than a brick wall.
Bernie Sanders
“Y.M.C.A.” by The Village People
Offering hot meals? A place to get yourself clean? You can hang out with all the boys? Sounds like the basement where a Bernie Bro lives in his parents’ house.
Another option: a cover of Elton John’s “Benny and the Jets,” but renamed “Bernie and the Vets” because of his position as chairman of the Senate Veterans Affairs Committee.
Ted Cruz
“That’s The Way I Like It” by KC and the Sunshine Band
It is no secret Cruz is headstrong and knows what he likes. He fights for his values and refuses to compromise, no matter how unpopular he becomes among his peers.
John Kasich
“I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)” by Pitbull
November 7th. The day before the election. Kasich shimmies into the Republican National Committee Headquarters as Lindsey Graham struts behind him with a boombox and a backwards baseball cap. Kasich jumps on RNC chairman Reince Priebus’s desk, crosses his legs, and says, “So… I bet you’ve missed me.”
Chris Christie
“Livin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi
These Jersey boys know life is tough. The union is on strike, the George Washington bridge is closed– Bon Jovi and Christie both just have to hold on to what little they’ve got. It doesn’t make a difference if they make it or not, because Christie’s got Trump and that’s a lot for politics. Or, at least Christie would like to believe it is.
Paul Ryan
“Hot in Herre” by Nelly
Ryan’s attention to hydration at the Vice President Debate quickly became one of the hottest memes of 2012, and his constant water gulping was even featured in a Saturday Night Live skit. When things get heated on the House floor, Ryan remains cool-headed.
Joe Biden
“Summer of 69” by Bryan Adams
This song is about a man who wishes he was still playing in a band with his high school buddies. Imagine Tim Kaine on harmonica, Bill Clinton on saxophone, and Joe Biden on guitar, all strumming out some sick original jams in the White House garage.
Barack Obama
“Uptown Funk” by Bruno Mars and Mark Ronson
At first you loved this song. Then it got on your nerves. But now that it has almost faded from the public eye, you appreciate it more. Even after Obama leaves the Oval Office, he will continue to star in viral videos and memes that fill your newsfeed. Don’t believe me? Just watch.
