Taylor Swift sucks.
Mildly sarcastic disclaimer:
I know what you’re thinking–that is an absolutely crazy statement. Who am I to say that? What do I know about Taylor Alison Swift? Honestly? Not that much. And I’ll be the first to admit, I’m no music critic. While I may have no credentials, I do have something vastly more important: my opinion.
As we’ve all seen, Swift recently announced her new album, “The Tortured Poets Department” at the Grammys, and, while I’m sure this is very exciting for all 282 million of her Instagram followers, the only reaction I had was irritation.
Taylor, sweetie, you are not a tortured poet and the fact that you dare associate yourself with this phrase is absurd. The definition of the word tortured is “ to cause intense suffering to.” Tell me, exactly what part of Taylor’s life matches that criteria?
Taylor Swift is worth around 1.1 billion dollars according to this Forbes article . I don’t think anyone worth that amount of money can be justified in calling themselves “tortured.” So, if her financial situation isn’t what makes her tortured, what else could it be? Some might say it’s the stress of her career. I say they’re wrong. While she does have many so-called “haters,” no one can deny Taylor’s success in the music industry. In her career, she has been nominated for 46 Grammy awards and won 12.
On top of that, she’s “won the Album of the Year award thrice, making her the second youngest person to receive it and the first female artist to win it three times,” said Eduardo Perez in this article. So, if it’s not her financial life that’s tortured, nor her career, what is?
Well, if any part of her life is “tortured” I would say it’s her love life. I mean come on, she’s been heartbroken since she was 15 and she won’t stop singing about it. At this point Taylor, eat a tub of ice cream and get over it like the rest of us.
So now that it’s been determined that Taylor Swift has no claim to the word tortured, let’s talk about the word poet. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the lyrical repartee of “All Too Well (10-minute Version)” from “Red (Taylor’s Version)” and “Last Kiss” from “Speak Now” but these songs aren’t Shakespearean sonnets.
A poet is “one (such as a creative artist) of great imaginative and expressive capabilities and special sensitivity to the medium,” according to Merriam-Webster. Exactly what part of “Cause you were Romeo – I was a Scarlet Letter” says creative or imaginative? Taylor, I know you didn’t go to college, but “Romeo and Juliet” and “The Scarlet Letter” are two different things. Don’t even get me started with the song “Mean.” We get it. They were mean. Maybe next time, look up synonyms for a word instead of using it over and over again.
This leads me to the final and most important reason that Taylor Swift sucks. She has absolutely zero range. Allow me to elaborate. What is Swift most famous for? Breakup songs. It was acceptable when she was first rising to fame, relatable even. That being said, Taylor Swift has written songs about 17 men throughout her career. I’m sorry, but having your heart broken so badly that you feel the need to bash someone in a song 17 different times isn’t relatable. It’s sad. I mean,she obviously found a formula for fame and milked it for all it was worth, but to me, it’s played out.
While Taylor Swift deserves praise for her success in the music industry, she doesn’t deserve praise for anything else. Her music is repetitive. Her lyrics are unimaginative. Her claim that she’s a “tortured poet” is an outright lie.
Who knows, maybe her next album won’t be about a man who did her wrong. Maybe it won’t be filled with trite lyrics about growing up and feeling alone while being one of the most influential and sought-after celebrities in the world. Maybe it won’t be a new album with the same, tired, old themes (but come on–it probably will be).
Author’s note: Lana should’ve won that Grammy.