Two years ago, if someone had asked me, “How do you feel about safe words?” I would have stared at my drink and uncomfortably said, “I’ve never needed to use one.” This is exactly what I said when asked this question on a first date.
In 2022, I went on a date with someone who was part of the kink community. My interest in them was not long-term, but I had an interest in learning about kink, as we had discussed in the week leading up to the date. I arrived at the bar in Austin first and ordered the only sophisticated drink I could think of that I liked— gin and tonic. My drink arrived and so did my date after ordering at the bar. They saw the glass and immediately took a sip before I could reach for it. “Sorry, I think that’s my drink,” I said. They laughed and said they, too, had ordered a gin and tonic. Just then, a secondary identical drink arrived at our table, and we both laughed.
Then we began to discuss our interests. They brought up consensual pain, restriction, and changing up traditional power dynamics. These were activities that interested me, but I’d only ever read about them online, and briefly chatted about them with my friends. So, when questions about my communication style in bed and how I felt about safe words came around, I was suddenly at a loss for words.
What do I talk about with my sexual partners? I drew a blank. In my early experience, there wasn’t really much talking as much as there was soul gazing, not knowing where to put my hands, and nervous questioning from both sides. Even in more long-term relationships, we didn’t really talk about anything related to our sex lives. Sometimes, there would be the occasional, “no, I’m having fun” or “can we please slow down a bit?” We each had issues voicing our needs, especially if the other person was not necessarily doing anything wrong. This is the experience for many people who don’t have open communication pathways with their partners and don’t know how to open such pathways.
A safe word is an agreed-upon term or phrase to indicate a need for a sudden stop or pause during intimate moments. I like to think of safe words as a gateway to communicating directly with my partner about exactly what I want and how I want it. Whether you view your sex life as vanilla, kinky, or somewhere shifting in between, safe words are a verbal safety net that everyone should feel comfortable using in the bedroom. They can help avoid confusion in the midst of passionate moments but also establish boundaries as each individual navigates their evolving experiences.
“So, how do you normally decide on a safe word? Like, what if I forget what it is?” I asked my date. They agreed that sometimes it can be difficult finding an easy, memorable word that both parties also feel comfortable using. While yelling out “Crabcake!” can kill the mood, that may be exactly what needs to happen. There is value in choosing a word that will change the context of the environment and help make you feel more in control.
For starters, the agreed-upon term or phrase should be short and easily distinguishable from other common words. Your safe word should be unrelated to sex or something you would normally say in an intimate setting. People commonly use the names of fruits, animals or pop culture figures. Others have their own personal safe word that they carry with them through each of their relationships. I prefer to come up with a safe word specific to each partner. So I took a moment to think, sipped my mostly tonic water, and asked if our safe word could be “tonic.” With another shared laugh, we both agreed and in entering that agreement together as sexual partners, our connection deepened and our communication pathways widened.
A 2011 study found that people who know each other intimately experience trouble communicating due to a “closeness-communication bias.” When we communicate with people we know more intimately, we assume they understand our perspective and speak only from that. When interacting with a stranger, more explanations are given in an attempt to help the other person understand our perspective. Long-term communication issues can manifest in partnerships when we assume the other person knows what we know.
Last year, the U.S. Surgeon General released an advisory on the current loneliness epidemic which referred to loneliness as, “the distressing experience that results from perceived isolation or unmet need between an individual’s preferred and actual experience.” While being alone can lead to feelings of loneliness, loneliness is not exclusive to loners. Anyone, even those in committed partnerships, can experience loneliness. In partnerships, loneliness can manifest itself through things left unsaid.
When you believe your partner doesn’t understand you, the love starts to die. In our current loneliness epidemic, we tend to further isolate ourselves in the process, either to protect our loved ones from the horrors of our inner narratives or because we truly do feel alone in our struggles. This is why communication between partners, especially in a more taboo setting like a sexual encounter, is more important than ever as strangers and long-time lovers alike navigate each others’ needs.
Since my eye-opening date two years ago, I‘ve encountered other ways various partners and friends of mine choose to navigate communicating their sexual needs. For instance, you may not always want to initiate a full stop by calling on your safe word. But you may instead opt for slowing down and changing things up without coming across as though you are not actively enjoying yourself — enter the Stoplight Method. Instead of calling out a safe word, either partner can call out a color on the stoplight to indicate how they are feeling. This method also allows partners to check in with one another by asking what color they are feeling in the moment. Utilising this for a time can also lead to partners developing their own check in terms and signals that are specific to their intimate relationship.
Due to the cultural mindset that sex education should be kept under wraps, the majority of first timers experience little to no advice for how to communicate with their sexual partners. Many people grow up in environments where sex outside of marriage is synonymous with sin or negative life choices. There’s also a layer of shame for many when it comes to talking about sex positively or enthusiastically. The result is a generation of teens and 20-somethings pioneering our way through silent pillow talks and awkward conversation in hotel room hangouts.
Talking about vulnerable experiences in the right setting is crucial to understanding ourselves and our preferences. If asked how I feel about them now, I would say, “I feel like safe words changed the way I view intimacy, and I hope you use them as well.” Learning to use a safe word in a kink setting led me to bring them up in my less adventurous sexual partnerships, and the results rocked my world. Safe words enhanced my experience of trust and communication with new, fleeting partners as well as long term relationships.
Safe words are not just for “dangerous” sexual activities associated with the kink community. Instead, they can provide a system of communication and boundary setting between any level of partnership. The beauty of initiating the use of safe words in your own life is that it opens the doorway for you to communicate more directly and openly with your sexual partner. Whether it’s just two of you getting down, or a whole group, everyone should have the option and opportunity to voice their needs.