Words by Payton Antonacci // @paypayswaggie // (she/they)
Design by Kristi Brooks // @cyborg.kk // (she/her)
i painted the walls white last year
and said no more Scratching, Tearing
down the structure
when things go bad
“You drown the baby at the drop of a hat
And I can’t justify it anymore.
You never change in the right way.”
i repeated this like prayer
i wanted to stop imparting my devastation
——
i pounded my hands into the walls
all i did was bruise.
i opened my skin
all i did was bleed,
exposed, guilty.
i cut my hair, and it was still me staring
back having Shed nothing
staring back at
myself
hands and knees
jaw clenched,
fists full of it
Rabid Dog on a Chain
howled,
sobbed,
shrieked
into the ground.
turning to
the same rotten thing
every time
i vomited up the angelics,
the tumor gorged itself
until the
last measure
of defense
broke
like a cage.
carnivorous vines occupied
every room of the
house,
pulling skin off the walls.
mold hissing
in the dirt.
the roots grew rotted
the thread triple knotted
fated to suffocate
i thought
i breathed better when i bled.
i suffered thinking i would heal.
——
i built a church in the backyard this year
so i could Sigh at holy things
like i always dreamed of.
on my knees,
i could finally let go of my last sin
and realize heaven
when I realized myself
no longer gagging on the notion of grace.
just like how i saw it in my sleep