As they say, everything is bigger in Texas, and its incredible forecasts are no exception. As a Delawarean myself, it is an honor and a privilege to experience Texas weather firsthand. My appreciation, however, does not rival my native counterparts, who are quite vocal in their celebration of the weather.
My hope in writing this guide is to provide you with the knowledge and the tools you need to enjoy the climate of our beloved state. Each season is an adventure and a journey that is sure to enhance your mood and make your life more convenient in the long run.
Summer 1.0 (A.K.A. Spring)
No need for a light jacket; unless you find armpit sweat fashionable. Temperatures quickly climb to the 80s. If you like rain, this may be your only chance to experience the rare, celestial droplets as they cascade from the sky. Unfortunately, the rain comes with a curse in the form of raging cyclones that eat houses and trees for breakfast. Not to worry, every storm cloud has a silver lining; the humidity making it impossible to breathe will keep you hydrated, allowing you to reach for less often for water. That’s how it works, right?
Wardrobe Tips: Polyester is your best friend. Avoid cotton at all costs. Google said it so it must be true, but I know you’re all going to wear cotton anyway. Fine, if you must insist on wearing cotton, wear lighter colors that won’t absorb as much as the sun. Don’t wear white unless you want the world to see your slowly staining armpits.
PS: The word “flash flood” gets thrown around like it’s going out of style, so maybe invest in an umbrella? Some rain boots?
Summer 2.0 (A.K.A. Summer)
If you like wearing clothes (if you’re into that sort of thing) then this is not the season for you. The ultraviolet rays that tear through the ozone layer have reached full power, ready to fatally bombard you with the nourishment you need in the form of Vitamin D. Sunburns are all the rage, as are the intricate tan lines that criss-cross down women’s backs and outline your sunglasses. If you close your eyes, you can fully immerse yourself in your wildest fantasies of traversing the Sahara desert. Prepare yourself for an amazing season full of rattlesnakes, fire ants, and giant wasps!
Wardrobe Tips: Temperatures exceed the 100s, so go commando whenever possible. To blend in with the kids, wear shorts that barely cover your butt. Bring a jacket to grocery stores to combat a/c units set to teeth-chattering lows. If you don’t want to part with your skin anytime soon, consider investing in some sunscreen.
PS: To avoid heatstroke, seek shelter in the shadows of trees and nearby buildings whenever possible to instantly experience the world 20 degrees cooler.
Mother Nature’s Mood Swings (A.K.A. Fall)
The true joys of living in a bipolar state is that you never know what to expect. Prepare to be spooked, and I ain’t talking Halloween. It’s not uncommon to experience jarring 45 degree drops in temperature overnight. Fear not, the cold only lasts a few days, then it’s back to sipping pumpkin spice lattes in the 80s again. Just kidding, there’s another cold front on the way! Isn’t this fun?
Unlike other states, it’s rare that the leaves in Texas change colors. Instead, keep your eyes peeled for their spectacular metamorphosis as they shift from green to brown before they shrivel up and die.
Wardrobe Tips: The good news is, indecisive fashionistas have multiple chances for success, as separate outfits are needed for the morning, afternoon, and evening. While temperatures sometimes begin in the 40s or 50s, they quickly spike into the mid 70s. Don’t get caught in the heat wearing that suffocating cable-knit sweater; layering is your best friend!
PS: Don’t trust the weatherman. He’s not good at predicting when it rains anymore. Or anything for that matter. Just, whatever you do, don’t trust the weatherman.
This Needs to Stop (A.K.A. Winter)
At this point, Texas has exhausted its logical faculties and resorts to finish out the year in the most sporadic ways imaginable. Texas skipped the chapter of the textbook on Winter, so it throws a few 14 degree lows and ice storms into the mix and calls it a day. If you’re dreaming of a white Christmas, please move to Vermont. Or Alaska. Or Canada. Or literally anywhere north of here.
The good news is, if anyone sees any of the white stuff floating down from the sky, it’s a get out of jail free card. No school. No work. Roads shut down. Absolute chaos ensues because winter is coming.
Wardrobe Tips: Throw all of your clothes into the hamper and close your eyes. Draw articles of clothing at random. The chances of pulling out something that works are higher than if you put conscious thought into your outfit. It’s like Russian roulette, but with laundry! Invest in a pair of fuzzy socks. Be prepared for none of your shoes to fit with them on.
PS: Your Beats Studio 3s can protect your ears from the cold. Using this versatile, $350 gadget can save you as much as $8 on earmuffs from Target.
