As a veteran Tinder, Bumble and Hinge user who has spent more than enough hours watching countless TikToks about how to get matches with hotter men, and paid more money than I would like to for a 24-hour boost to get more profile views, I’m here to say dating apps have been widely misrepresented.
Here’s the deal; being on a dating app should be fun. Your experiences on the apps should not define your self-worth. Everything – from the people coming up on your feed, whether they swipe on you or how they act once they do – is out of your hands.
Everyone’s experience on a dating app looks different. Throughout my years of swiping, I’ve always felt this pressure to “keep up” with the traffic my friends received online. Seeing them match with guys that the algorithm never even let me see was frustrating.
As a brown woman, getting significantly fewer matches than my white friends was hard, especially because I didn’t know if I was using the app incorrectly, or if it was yet another thing that was out of my control. Just a couple of weeks back, I learned that my friend had gotten 46 matches in just 30 minutes compared to the four or five I’d gotten that whole day. We were both determined that there must be something wrong with my profile’s algorithm, so I went to work. I asked her exactly how she set up her profile and I restructured mine the same way, waiting for my matches to start to mirror hers – spoiler alert, they never did. Obviously I felt terrible – if it wasn’t my profile, there must be something about how I looked that made me get significantly fewer matches.
Looking back, I’ve realized that this way of thinking reinforces the idea that more matches means you are more successful while online dating. However, my time on the apps has shown me that fulfillment while swiping right is not dependent on the quantity of matches, but rather the quality of matches which, from my own experience, doesn’t seem to discriminate.
Radical acceptance has taught me that there are only two things you can control on a dating app– how to keep yourself safe and how to have fun and that’s what I hope you learn from these tips.
Tip #1: Be clear, both to yourself and others, about what you are looking for.
Do you want something short-term, long-term but casual, long-term and exclusive, or anything else under the sun? Obviously, being firm in what you want affects how much interaction you get on the apps, but take it from me it will save you so much energy and so many frustrating conversations if you are clear about your intentions from the start.
Tip #1.5: Show what you want through your profile.
Your photos and prompt answers can’t protect you from all the awkward conversations, but they can save you from investing too much energy on someone who is on the app for a different reason than you are. For example, if you’re looking for something more casual, keep your profile very lighthearted. You don’t have to check off all the little parts of your profile that wouldn’t really affect a casual relationship ( how often you drink or smoke, your political beliefs, etc.) If you want to go on dates, try answering prompts with conversation starters that could lead to dates (e.g., “My love language is trying out all the Austin pizza spots.”) If you’re looking for something long-term, answer prompts more seriously and include any important deal breakers in your profile.
Tip #2: Assess profiles critically.
Profiles are not that serious, but I have certain things that I look out for before swiping right. My immediate red flags are when a guy goes out of his way to bring up either the Helen Keller controversy, his hatred of astrology, or his hair color preferences for women. After a while on the apps, you’ll start to make a list of red flags too. Though dating profiles don’t give you the full picture of who a person is, some parts can quickly show you that your values don’t align.
Tip #3: Message first!
If you’re really only there to swipe, then there’s no need to reach out. However, if you want to meet someone and the only thing that’s stopping you is that a match hasn’t reached out yet, start the conversation yourself. It’s not rejection if they don’t answer because they’ve already swiped right. Especially for women, it’s not super common for us to have to make the first move. Practicing starting up a conversation online in a low-stakes environment makes it so much easier for the day you finally run into your soul mate at Whole Foods.
Tip #4: Get as much information as possible.
This one is controversial, and I know there are so many TikTok creators who advise against this, but most of these creators are going on high-end dates in New York City. As a 19-year-old girl who has been catfished one too many times, I don’t like taking that gamble. This is especially important if you’re not meeting up in public. In those situations, I recommend getting their Snapchat. If you’re hesitant to call them, try sending audio or video messages to gauge their vibe. College hookup culture can be scary, so I mean it when I say to take that extra time! Find their Instagram, LinkedIn, and whatever you can to make sure nobody’s coming over to your apartment that you’re not ready for.
Tip #5: Remember, it’s not that serious.
The beauty of dating apps is they let you meet people you probably wouldn’t have met in your daily life. There’s no risk of destroying your entire social circle with one awkward date. It’s also nothing to be ashamed of. Apps like Tinder let you block all of your contacts so they won’t see your profile, but it’s bound to happen that someone you know comes across it. Don’t worry! Remember, the only way they could find your profile is if they were a fellow swiper, so as long as your profile isn’t offensive or hateful, they have no reason to judge. Similarly, dating through apps leads you to meet a lot more people than you would in real life, so you probably will have more bad dates than you’re used to. Thankfully, there are plenty of fish in the sea, so my go-to routine after a bad date is to debrief with friends, take time to recuperate, and move on.
Dating apps may not always lead us to love, nor are they a game you can beat, but this is a post- “Pretty in Pink” world, and frankly I’m tired of the “smile at a guy until he walks up to you” approach to dating that I grew up watching on TV. Though not perfect, dating apps can be a great way to practice meeting new people and taking your dating life into your own hands.
