Austin’s got a ton of great restaurants to choose from, and they all have distinct personalities. If you aren’t too brushed up on politics and are wondering who to vote for, this handy guide will help: Simply find your favorite Austin restaurant on the list and our magical powers will tell you its candidate match. (But seriously, if you’re relying on this to find a candidate to support, do some research and get informed! An informed voter is a smart voter.)
By Christy Vanderwater
Illustrations by Daniela Munoz
Hillary Clinton: Kerbey Lane
Hillary Clinton has been in politics forever, like our good friend Kerbey Lane Cafe has been in Austin forever. Similar to how it wouldn’t be Austin without Kerbey queso, it wouldn’t be politics without Hill (or the scandal of #servergate to spice things up).
Jeb Bush: Chipotle
Let’s be honest, you thought with good ol’ Jeb born right here in Texas, he’s sure to be barbecue, right? Wrong. Chipotle’s where Jeb’s at: There are so many Bushes involved in politics, just like you can’t go very far without finding a Chipotle in Austin. For all it claims to be, Chipotle isn’t exactly the most authentic Mexican food in Austin — similarly, Bush’s Spanish skills, while quite good, are not native to the man.
Ben Carson: JuiceLand
JuiceLand is healthy, so it’s sure to be approved by our doctor/Republican candidate, Ben Carson. But if you’re like me, you have to be in the mood for JuiceLand, just like with Ben here.
Bernie Sanders: Torchy’s
Bernie Sanders is a candidate who has successfully appealed to a younger generation, much like Austin’s own Torchy’s Tacos — spreading like wildfire across the state. Besides, Torchy’s has some of the best damn habanero sauce I’ve ever tasted. Can you #feelthebern?
Carly Fiorina: Vert’s
Much like Carly Fiorina, VertsKebap’s return to the Drag (along with its spicy red sauce) was underappreciated. People didn’t realize Carly’s potential until she got a chance to show off her debate skills.
Ted Cruz: Gourdough’s
Has anyone ever genuinely questioned what Ted Cruz is doughing in the presidential race? Sure, he’s full of interesting flavor, but he doesn’t deliver, just like Gourdough’s.
Donald Trump: Austin’s Pizza
Trump is very direct and doesn’t care what others think of him. Just like our old favorite, Austin’s Pizza. He’s got plenty of die-hard supporters, but there are so many other options.
Martin O’Malley: Mozart’s
Martin O’Malley’s restaurant match is Mozart’s, obvi. Both are distant: Mozart’s, with its good coffee and hipster vibe, is sure to impress. O’Malley is too, but will the mainstream notice him? Just like Mozart’s, he might be too far away from the spotlight.
Mike Reed • Oct 23, 2015 at 2:26 am
Trump = Franklin BBQ. Slap yo’ momma brisket, otherwise a long line to mediocre everything else.
Hillary = Denny’s. Looks shiny on the outside but has a scary dirty kitchen and cheap quality substance.
Bush = In n Out. Seems special at first but really just the same as every other fast food burger.
Carson = Any Austin "vegetarian" place. You know you should but you just can’t stand the [lack of] flavor and texture.
Sanders = Any Austin FroYo shop. Tasty, zany toppings, but not something you want all the time.
Cruz = Pluckers. Bold flavors, Fire in the Hole rhetoric, but just bigger wings at a place that makes breast jokes.
Rubio = Chuy’s. Looks Mexican but isn’t. Some tasty things, but really just a place you go for the free queso and watered down margaritas at happy hour.
Fiorina = Mansion on Judges Hill. Expensive, high class, but nobody knows it’s there… and nobody cares.
Bleh • Oct 22, 2015 at 7:45 pm
Doughing? Really?
This "article" is bad and you should feel bad.