Words by Payton Antonacci // @paypayswaggie // (she/they)

Design by Kristi Brooks // @cyborg.kk // (she/her)

i painted the walls white last year 

and said no more Scratching, Tearing 

down the structure 

when things go bad 

“You drown the baby at the drop of a hat

And I can’t justify it anymore. 

You never change in the right way.” 

i repeated this like prayer 

i wanted to stop imparting my devastation

—— 

i pounded my hands into the walls 

all i did was bruise. 

i opened my skin 

all i did was bleed, 

exposed, guilty. 

i cut my hair, and it was still me staring

back having Shed nothing 

staring back at 

myself

hands and knees 

jaw clenched, 

fists full of it 

Rabid Dog on a Chain 

howled, 

sobbed, 

shrieked 

into the ground. 

turning to 

the same rotten thing 

every time 

i vomited up the angelics, 

the tumor gorged itself 

until the 

last measure 

of defense 

broke 

like a cage. 

carnivorous vines occupied

every room of the 

house, 

pulling skin off the walls.

mold hissing 

in the dirt. 

the roots grew rotted 

the thread triple knotted 

fated to suffocate 

i thought 

i breathed better when i bled. 

i suffered thinking i would heal. 

——

i built a church in the backyard this year

so i could Sigh at holy things 

like i always dreamed of. 

on my knees, 

i could finally let go of my last sin 

and realize heaven 

when I realized myself 

no longer gagging on the notion of grace.

just like how i saw it in my sleep