Not every country can ignore a pandemic because they simply got “bored” but Americans prove, yet again, that having freedom does not equate to having intelligence.

“These are unprecedented times.” If I hear that phrase one more time, I might just explode into a thousand quarantined pieces. But, luckily (I guess), our country has decided coronavirus doesn’t exist anymore! We didn’t wanna deal with it anymore so we’re not! Science is incredible, isn’t it? You can just will away a pandemic. Or, at least, that’s what a majority of Americans have concluded.

Despite the continuing rise of confirmed COVID-19 cases in the U.S., it looks like people are going out more often than ever before. Okay! Since we value material things like going shopping or getting a haircut over the health and well-being of ourselves, our loved ones and essentially every living soul around us, here are some things you can do to distract yourself from the impending doom of our country:

Look Forward to a Career in Politics or, More Specifically, Capitalism

If you’re completely ignoring the safety precautions put forth by multiple health experts, you may be a capitalist! Good for you, that’s what America intended. The government is valuing the economy over human lives so it sounds like the perfect place for you. You can jumpstart your career by going to protests in favor of reopening, begin privatizing your own means of production and start saying goodbye to your friends now because they will probably (definitely) not be your friend for much longer. But, hey, you’ll have some money.

Make Some More Young, Hip Friends

It’s widely known that the most susceptible group to COVID-19 is the elderly. In fact, according to the CDC, eight out of 10 reported coronavirus-related deaths in the U.S. are people 65 or older. Lots of younger age groups seem to think, because of this, they are immune to COVID-19 and don’t have to worry. If that’s their mindset, they should prepare for the future. To those people, I recommend looking for more friends their own age. Since they’re especially endangering all their loved ones of the older persuasion, they should go ahead and prepare for what life might be like without them. Surrounding yourself with other young, carefree, selfish people will soften the blow, right?

Don’t Vaccinate Your Children

A surprising amount of people are refusing to do the easiest form of protecting themselves against an illness (i.e., wearing a mask). If they can’t follow the simplest precaution, they might as well save some money and avoid all other logical medical practices. Keep the streak going, America! Either now or in the future, you can refrain from vaccinating your children. Sure, they might be unprotected from a multitude of diseases, but they’ll be following in their parent’s careless footsteps. Like mother, like daughter. 

Don’t Use Your Blinker and Don’t Bother Flushing

America’s individualism ideology is truly in the spotlight thanks to this pandemic. I have never seen so many people blatantly disregard the well-being of those around them more than I have in the past six months. (Looking at you, Cabo 211.) Alright, fuck it! Let’s just throw in the towel now. No more common decency! When driving, don’t use your blinker; fellow drivers can just figure out your changing lanes on their own time. Don’t worry about flushing the toilet after you’re done. The person after you is perfectly capable of flushing. It’ll be like that scene from Big Mouth’s second season when shame disappears. Complete bliss(?).

Try Skydiving Without a Parachute

Yes, people are being reckless with everyone else’s lives, and it appears most Americans are paying no mind to their own health as well. As previously mentioned, people who are ostensibly young and healthy seem to believe they’re invincible. Let’s truly test that theory. You should try skydiving without a parachute! It’s just as thoughtless and irresponsible as not taking a pandemic seriously. Plus, I’m sure you’d have a really great view along the way. It would certainly be prettier than being stuck on a respirator in the hospital.

I know it can be difficult to read social cues via the Internet but this is satire. I do not condone any of these behaviors and neither does anyone at BurntX. Obviously, this is not directed at those who have been following all health and safety guidelines. This is aimed at critiquing those who are taking this pandemic lightly. It’s for those who are selfish enough to not even wear a piece of fabric over their face to protect their neighbor.

Although I have attempted to make parts of this funny, the situation of our country is no laughing matter. People are dying. Loved ones are being affected and hospitalized everywhere. 

Please please please please PLEASE do your part to help in any way you can. Stay informed, especially regarding the status of your county/city. Wear a mask. Social distance. Stay home unless you absolutely have to leave. For the love of God, stop eating out at restaurants! Get some take out! Just, please, be safe and think about those around you.

Resources:

• Coronavirus Risk Chart– learn which activities are safer than others right now
• Coronavirus Resources for Workers
• CDC Latest Updates for COVID-19
• Mental Health Resources