It’s the day you’ve been dreading for months: the infamous family weekend. Unlike a normal weekend on the 40 Acres, you have to face hordes of other families decked out in burnt orange doing stereotypical tours and activities around campus. This time, with the help of this survival guide, you’ll have the upper hand.
By Gaby Hernandez
Step 1: Always stay alert.
You walk into Gregory Gym and see a blur of a thousand faces. There is a family of about six people in a group hug and from what you can tell there is a person in the middle. Three small kids sprint past and rudely step on your feet. Then all of a sudden, you hear your name being yelled from across the court and there they are — your beloved family. You could have easily avoided this embarrassing moment by dissuading them from coming. Though you failed miserably, your other option simply could have found them beforehand instead of having them make your presence known to every human within a five mile radius.
Step 2: Regulate your breathing.
Before you know it, they are on their way over. They’re getting closer and closer. Finally you hear, “we found you!” As they envelope you in a hug, you hold your breath to prevent inhaling the toxic combination of the perfume your mom has on and the B.O. your little brother is dishing out . Bad idea. The crushing hug causes you to nearly pass out from lack of oxygen. For future reference, remember to breathe out of your mouth.
Step 3: Dodge loaded questions.
To make matters worse, here comes your dad and he has a look of concern on his face. Get your fighting stance ready. He is about to throw the punches. “How is school going?” BAM! That didn’t take long. Don’t give details. School might be the death of you, but less is more in the case of nosy family members. “Are you sure this is what you want to be majoring in?” Stay strong. Just state the fact and move on. “What are you going to do with that once you graduate?” He is not holding back. You catch that condescending tone. Don’t let him win. Be confident in yourself and your life plans. Finally, he loses interest in your life, and the topic is dropped. No doubt he will raise his concerns to your mother, but you have already moved on.
Step 4: Take a break.
You have to decide on a destination for a well deserved phone break. Of course your mom lectured you on how rude it was to be looking at that “stupid thing,” so naturally you shoved it in your pocket angrily. The bathroom is your hideaway. Be careful though. You have 20 minutes max or risk a search party organizing to track down your whereabouts.
Step 5: Prepare an escape plan.
As the weekend is finally dwindling down, your mom tells you to start saying goodbye, because they will be leaving soon. Do not believe her. Enjoy the last few hours with your parents. You will be wishing they were back with you whenever you run out of grocery money.
As they drive away, take a moment to realize: you survived.
